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Posted by The Onion Staff

https://theonion.com/financial-experts-recommend-diversifying-portfolio-with-multiple-harebrained-schemes/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851682560

NEW YORK—Claiming it was the only way to protect one’s assets against economic volatility, a group of financial experts recommended this week that Americans diversify their portfolios with multiple harebrained schemes. “Rather than rely on a single half-baked investment, we strongly encourage people to have several cockamamie business plans to fall back on,” said J.P. Morgan financial advisor Jonathan Rattler, adding that it was important to mitigate risk through a combination of foolhardy ventures like breeding koi fish, stealing copper wire from a scrapyard, and buying a machine on Alibaba that makes lab-grown diamonds. “We suggest investing in a variety of dubious sectors, including miracle hair-growth supplements, alpaca rentals, and using outlets at public libraries to run your own bitcoin farm. Also, we know a guy who makes $2 million a year installing vending machines in local prisons. If you want, we can put you in touch.” Rattler added that Americans planning to retire by age 60 should really consider giving their brother-in-law the $10,000 he requested, because his idea to import exotic ferns was a surefire thing.

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https://theonion.com/financial-experts-recommend-diversifying-portfolio-with-multiple-harebrained-schemes/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851682560

Posted by The Onion Staff

https://theonion.com/trump-opens-up-nations-aquariums-to-commercial-fishing/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851683132

WASHINGTON—Claiming that preservation efforts had impeded U.S. seafood production for far too long, President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that he had opened up the nation’s aquariums to commercial fishing. “Starting today, fishermen will finally be allowed to sail into America’s protected aquariums, drop a net in any marine exhibit they please, and begin trawling,” Trump said at a press conference, adding that commercial fishing would now be permitted in all glass-enclosed fish tanks, coastal mammal habitats, and interactive tide pools at the more than 150 aquariums across the United States, regardless of whether spectators were currently enjoying them or not. “How can Democrats stand by and watch hardworking fishermen suffer when the Monterey Bay Aquarium has an entire kelp forest filled with sharks, jellyfish, and an absolutely enormous sunfish just sitting there, going to waste. That’s why I’ve decided to waive the entrance fees nationwide and open every exhibit to fishing, even the ones with penguins, dolphins, and otters.” At press time, Trump announced an additional executive order allowing commercial seafood vessels to fish in exotic pet stores, home aquariums, and private backyard koi ponds.

The post Trump Opens Up Nation’s Aquariums To Commercial Fishing appeared first on The Onion.

https://theonion.com/trump-opens-up-nations-aquariums-to-commercial-fishing/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851683132

Posted by The Onion Staff

https://theonion.com/thrift-store-categorizes-inflatable-birthing-tub-as-decor/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851683272

The post Thrift Store Categorizes Inflatable Birthing Tub As Decor appeared first on The Onion.

https://theonion.com/thrift-store-categorizes-inflatable-birthing-tub-as-decor/

https://theonion.com/?p=1851683272